Until last year, I had extremely limited contact with any of my family members, including my older sister. As I was married this year and moved to a foreign country, I opened myself up to communicating with my family members again, and even went home to visit with my now-husband.
Over the summer, we had a large wedding in the country where we now live, and my parents and sister attended. My sister stayed with me and my husband for two weeks. Her trip was trying. She drinks heavily, at least one bottle of liquor a day, but to my British in-laws, she was the life of the party she always is. In addition, as she is quite charming, she befriended all of them, becoming close penpals with my husband's aunt and maintaining intimate online friendships with much of his extended family.
My husband has two younger brothers who are twelve years younger than my sister: she tried to bed one over a period of days, but he spurned her advances; she set her eyes on the other and managed to sleep with him on the night of our wedding. She gleefully told me this I would have rather not known and also informed me that she did not disclose to him her incurable STD they had unprotected sex--another detail she divulged which I did not ask for. These details are intended to explain what I would classify as her total lack of boundaries with regard to me.
On this same visit, we got into a fight while she was very drunk, and she physically assaulted me in my husband's parents' house. Did I mention she is 36? In any event, I went to bed early that night, while she stayed up, telling my mother-in-law and husband's aunt a long and emotionally manipulative story about what a horrible sister I am to her and have been.
I only know this as my mother-in-law commented that she stayed up all night with her, and in a later comment to me, that I needed to "get over the past" as I had "really hurt" my sister. In previous attempts at having a relationship with her, my sister has gone out of her way to turn my own friends against me, and she has succeeded in a couple of cases including a lifelong childhood friend my sister discouraged from ever speaking to me again--my sister actually told me this herself while she was visiting, but as she is an angry drunk, I let it go, choosing to avoid conflict.
I have been extremely bothered by her attempts at ingratiating herself with every member of my husband's family who are here locally. As they have enjoyed partying with her, I feel like I look like the killjoy who simply doesn't appreciate my sister's show-stealing personality.
However, after she decided to stop speaking me over a totally separate matter you can see a previous question of mine re: student loans -- she claims I am ruining my parents' life simply because they cosigned, and because I don't have the cash to pay off the loans in full , I let her know that I am aware she "confided" in my mother-in-law, that I find it extremely inappropriate and manipulative, and that she is not welcome in my and my husband's home anytime soon.
My sister responded by telling me that when she returns to my country, she will be staying with my husband's aunt news to her, I'm sure , and then threatened to "tell all" to my parents-in-law regarding the cosigned loans as an attempt to turn them against me.
Further, she blocked me from WhatsApp and also deleted me from Facebook, though she maintains her online friendships with my husband's entire family even including great aunts and uncles. I am very, very upset by all of this, and my anxiety is through the roof. I deeply regret ever letting her back into my life, and feel like I have let myself be burned by her again and again, apparently without learning anything.
I have attempted to, in vague language, let my husband's aunt and my mother-in-law know of the problematic dynamic; I also told my mother-in-law of her threats, in a perhaps misguided attempt to "get ahead of the story. I guess my questions are as follows: a am I overreacting here? Does the above seem normal? Since moving abroad, I no longer have access to my therapist, and my husband isn't the most emotionally empathetic he is not neurotypical , so it is hard for him to do much apart from listen: I would really like some feedback, any similar experiences with a friend or family member, and any advice on how to delicately manage this situation with my in-laws.
They are the type of people who believe family trumps all other concerns, and can't understand why I have any issue with my sister. My husband suggests that in time this will blow over, as my sister is very far away -- however, she is a flight attendant, and I would not be surprised were she to make good on her threats to come to my country with the explicit purpose of glomming on to my in-laws people she refers to as "her family".
I am also concerned that she will succeed in turning some of them against me, as she is very manipulative, and adept at getting others to feel sorry for her. I know this is long. Any comments greatly appreciated. Best answer: a am I overreacting here? The above does not seem normal.
However, you do appear to be beating yourself up about it more than is helpful to you. She's not only a drunk but a horrible drunk. Getting ahead of the story was a good instinct, and about all that could have been done. The main thing you need to do now is as little as possible. This will be difficult. Do it anyway. You will likely suffer some temporary reputational damage as a result.
Maintaining a dignified silence in the face of this will be hard, but will most likely minimize that damage. If somebody comes to you directly to fact-check something they heard from your sister, do your very best to stick to offering verifiable facts while saying nothing bad against her.
Further pre-emptive strikes risk more blowback than they're worth. If two people A and B are estranged, and A is in the habit of saying awful things about B, but B is generally known to be a decent person and not given to saying awful things about A, then over time it becomes apparent to most people who know them both that A is the one with the problems, not B. It's really, really hard to avoid fighting back to more than the extremely minimal extent that's absolutely necessary, bit if you want that who-is-the-real-problem dynamic to work itself out as quickly as it possibly can and leave the minimum possible residual murk, I think that's what you're going to need to learn to do.
Sounds to me as if you've already done what you can along those lines, and the main thing you need to do now is sit tight, concentrate on preserving your own mental health, and let Hurricane Sister continue to blow wherever it's going to because you're for damn sure never going to stop a hurricane; best you can do is keep an eye on them and arrange to keep out of their way. The where it's directly relate to their scamming techniques. They want to be in territory which will make them look like the victim.
There is no specific place where you should set your boundaries; however, you must be aware of the manipulation so that you can know the appropriate place to set those boundaries. You want to be on territory where you know you will be most effective, even though they will want the same thing. Manipulative family members often strike at family reunions or gatherings. This way more people will see you being the bad guy.
Always remember where you are, so that you can keep yourself from falling into a defensive position. You don't need to attack them, and you don't need to be defensive. You just need to show what your boundaries are by refusing to engage in such behavior. When dealing with a manipulative family member, you must have patience. It is important to stay aware and calm. It doesn't matter how angry you are, it does matter to remember why you must be the bigger person.
It's about family, and trying not to hurt the people around you. Even though it's really the fault of the manipulative person, if they trap you in their game then you might also accidentally start hurting people around you.
You don't want to hurt your family members. You will find it is much easier to cope with manipulative person when you don't play their game. When you are being mature, calm and respectful your family will begin to see the truth. They will recognize who is really causing the trouble. They will begin to unravel the own feelings of guilt that the guilty manipulative person is actually causing. By being the bigger person, you help set a good role model for other family members.
Eventually, if enough family members begin to set clear boundaries, and refuse to engage in the manipulation, the person will be forced to begin to behave themselves in a socially acceptable way. When it comes to dysfunctional family members who manipulate other family members remember to be the bigger person.
Keep your values in check. Question: How do I handle my sister when she tries to manipulate me by disobeying my parenting rules? Answer: The first step is to attempt to clearly explain your parenting rules, and why it's important she sticks with them.
If it's minor things, it might just be a difference in parenting philosophies. However, if she is intentionally disobeying your parenting rules as a manipulation tool, then there might be something more going on. Children should never be tools of manipulation. If an adult is doing this, then you might talk to them about getting some help. A healthy adult may have different parenting styles, but they would not put the child in danger, which is what happens when you're using them to hurt or control another person.
There are many mental disorders which could cause an adult to take this inappropriate step. The National Institute of Health describes Antisocial personality disorder as 'a long-term of manipulating, exploiting, and violating rights of others. Ask yourself if your sister is just using a different parenting style.
If you see a long-term pattern of exploitation and rights violations, then you may need to be more careful when exposing your kids to your sister. This is a good time to pull the family together to see if there is a way you can help your sister obtain mental health care. I have a half sister, she married a man w money, but so many skeleton in her life. She is very manipulatives, and worsen so hypocrites like she is holy. I have feeling she prayed for especially myself to be cast out.
She taking controlled of 2siblings to just serving her needs. Now her life fullfills, but 2 sibling have living down basement of their sis in laws house. She is greedy and controlling. Worsen, you meet her, she pretending the sweetest woman on the street Wow, could not be more on target.
I have to admit to really letting my feelings out after a relative continuously tried to make myself and another relative to look bad.
I tried so hard to be the bigger person and still am continuing to be the bigger person but good heavens. According to this person she is the only one who cares, the only one that works, the only one that cleans her house. She is the only one who cares for our elderly family members, etc. What is killing us is that she has only been coming around since my mother got sick and made comments about wanting her fair share.
She uses past abuse she endured at the hands of her real mother as ammunition against the rest of us. We did not really know who she was until about 10 years ago when she showed up claiming that she wanted a relationship. She constantly meets us with, "we'll see what you do for me.
I lost it yesterday and feel bad for saying anything. I have taken the high road but I cannot take much more. I came from a home of domestic violence, depression, control and manipulation from everyone at home They have little remorse for the destruction they cause. They will use anyone, including your own children to get what they want and they will even manipulate children to get what they want. They have little regard for the relationship between people, especially if it doesnt involve them.
They have a history of pitting people against each other and than coming out of it as the victim. They keep using the same manipulation tactics because its the only thing that gives them control over others. These people have a deep sense of insecurity, jealousy and entitlement.
They always want what they can't have and they despise you if you have something they want. Gosh seems about right. The manipulators just love the gatherings and public to press your buttons.. Who knocks pictures of the deceased over at a memorial services so they can rush quickly over to stand in front of you because you're getting the hugs after the funeral even though they have just stood up and spoke about the deceased to get a laugh?
Yeah, it's downright obnoxious I very interesting hope to read more of your material I really think your a great writer nice job. My partners step dad, I believe, is a master manipulator. I see his tactics now and they no longer work on me but I see my partner as putty in his clever hands. When I try to talk to my partner about his family, he gets super defensive and turns on me. I want to battle it by building up my partners confidence and empowering him to be his own man but I am open to advice!!
A therapist can also help you explore strategies for getting to know people if you find it difficult to open up. Addressing problematic behaviors with a manipulative family member sometimes improves the situation. You might feel a sense of duty toward your family — but in the end, you have to put your own well-being first. You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. Emotional manipulators often use mind games to seize power in a relationship.
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